Review: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

"Because there I have another name. You must learn to know me by that name. This was the very reason why you were brought to Narnia, that knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there."

-Aslan

Dawn Treader is flawed from the opening shot. The film skips over what is perhaps the best opening line of any novel. "There was once a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." Instead, we are treated with a stunning 3-D shot of a cathedral, then exposition establishing the war, and some clumsy business showing us Edmund's desire for duty and Lucy's for beauty. I suppose that such a commercial movie demands some exposition tying it to the other films for uninitiated audiences, but one of the strengths of the book was that it stood so well on its own. Lewis' humorous description of the Scrubb family opens the book with a healthy dose of satirical social commentary. This turns into the subtle underlying message of the book; that modernism has destroyed our senses of wonder and creativity. This message is still relevant, but is largely abandoned for one of "faith and family". While some Christians may appreciate this, it will leave a sour taste in the mouths of most viewers.

Guest Writer Review: The American

Pictured: Nothing actually happening.

The American, starring George Clooney, is . . . well . . . not much. I assumed this movie would involve a fair amount of action and violence, after viewing multiple previews involving Clooney being buff and “playing” with guns, but tragically this is not the case. Nor is this movie really in the category of “romance:” despite multiple scenes of Clooney having sex with a prostitute, the focus is clearly not on one specific relationship. After looking at numerous lists of film genres and sub-genres, it’s genuinely hard to figure out where this would fit under. Perhaps in a trash bin? That’s where I put it.

Movie Review: Despicable Me

This about sums up my feelings towards this movie.

Have you ever seen something that was supposed to be cute, but just ended up being weird, dumb, or outright creepy? Like a clown your parents hired for your birthday that gave you nightmares for years afterwards? Or perhaps a doll your parents gave you when you were three whose eyes follow you around the room? The film Despicable Me is a little like this, only stupider. It’s supposed to be a cute, happy, somewhat silly story about a “villain” who realizes he’s actually a nice person, only absolutely nothing in it is believable, cute, or in any way interesting. Indeed, some parts even manage to be unintentionally creepy, sort of like that clown you have that recurring nightmare about (you guys get that too, right?).

This Movie is Awful: A Review of The Last Airbender

"Why did you have to ruin my childhood,
Mr. Shyamalan?"

The Last Airbender is a perfect example of just about everything wrong with moviemaking in today’s age. Director M. Night Shyamalan could have created an epic, exciting, and dramatic adaption of the beloved Nickelodeon television show, but unfortunately, and really to no one’s surprise, he instead created this atrocity, which fails to deliver on every level.

The Boring Bounty Hunter: A Review of Jonah Hex

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

The film Jonah Hex follows the story of, well, Jonah Hex, a Confederate soldier turned bounty hunter with a taste for violence, vengeance, Native Americans, the supernatural (he was awakened from the grave by the aforementioned Native Americans and now has the ability to communicate with the dead. Pretty neato, huh?), and holds an apparent disregard for the government and society in general. One day, Hex is informed that his old nemesis, a man named Quentin Turnbull, is not quite as dead as he would have hoped and is back to create some mischief … in other words destroy the United States. (After the Confederacy lost during the Civil War, this Yankee hater decided to go all old-school terrorist and kick some serious Union tail end.) Incidentally, Turnbull happens to be the same man who killed Hex’s family in retaliation for his own son’s death and thus is the perfect target for some fancy gun-slinging.

The problem is that Jonah Hex, which could at this point have become a fairly intriguing, mystical, and historically-revisionist Western, quickly ends up being, instead, little more than a clunky, soul-less mess.

Following the discovery of Turnbull, the movie settles into a tedious and repetitive cycle: Hex heading to a new location, Hex having a muddled and uninteresting conversation with a new character in order to lay down exposition, Hex growling and spitting out a cheesy one liner, and finally Hex shooting down anything moving within the surrounding area. Rinse and repeat.