Upcoming Film: Sucker Punch

Actually, this does a better summary than the actual article.

A women’s mental hospital in which everyone is unfairly attractive, skanky clothing, samurai, huge samurai, an even bigger mecha-samurai with a chain gun, more guns, explosions, giant robots, dragons, WWI-style trenches, the Hindenburg, fighter planes, and probably lots of Nazis, all rolled into one glorious Zack Snyder film. Calm down, calm down. Rest assured that the sheer awesomeness of everything mentioned will be more than offset by bad acting, a worse script, and enough bad reception to stuff a cow. Like, a really big cow.

So, you know. There's that.

Yes, folks, I’m referring to Sucker Punch, the year’s most laughable movie. As with Watchmen and 300 before it, expect mind-blowing fight scenes with little to no actual quality. The difference is that while 300 had no attractive women (although I won’t complain about Gerard Butler) and Watchmen had exactly one, Sucker Punch is sure to abound with female sexiness at every turn. Don’t forget that; Zack Snyder wouldn’t want you to, the actresses wouldn’t want you to, and most importantly, Warner Bros. wouldn’t want you to. See, I can bash on this all day long (and have, in fact), but I’ll still go see it. Honestly, I’ll probably see it more than once. See, they found my weaknesses: sex, violence, and a healthy combination of the two. The jury’s still out on whether that’s just me or the entire male gender.

Anyhoo, the film stars Emily Browning as Baby Doll, Abbie Cornish as Sweet Pea, Jena Malone as Rocket, Vanessa Hudgens as Blondie, and Jamie Chung as Amber. Seriously, I didn’t even make those up. Other names include High Roller, The Wiseman, Blue, and Magician. No, those aren’t titles or occupations. They’re names. Roll with it.

Despite all my colorful commentary, nothing I can say will sum it up as well as Zack Snyder himself did: It’s like “Alice in Wonderland with machine guns.” His wife, of course, puts it more delicately by saying that “in the end, it’s about this girl’s [Baby Doll’s] survival and what she needs to do to be able to cope.” I legitimately don’t even know how to describe any semblance of plot based on the previews, so I’ll stick with Warner Bros.’ official synopsis, which states that “Sucker Punch is an epic action fantasy that takes us into the vivid imagination of a young girl whose dream world provides the ultimate escape from her darker reality. Unrestrained by the boundaries of time and place, she is free to go where her mind takes her, and her incredible adventures blur the lines between what’s real and what is imaginary.”

You thought I was kidding about the chain gun...

Long story short, a bunch of girls from a mental hospital go even more crazy in order to battle samurai, dragons, Nazis, serpents, and possibly Xerxes. Sounds good to me.

Sucker Punch is scheduled to be released on March 25, 2011.

Unsubtle and quick to giggle,

Ben