Saturday, March 23, 2013

Proof that the Cinema Gods Hate Us: Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This is the coolest thing about this post.
Michael Bay
Ruining your childhood since forever.
Yes. Let this soak in for a hot sec. Michael Bay is producting a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live-action/CG mix. To top it off, Bay has tapped Jonathan Liebesman to direct. Leibesman has previously directed critically acclaimed films such as Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Battle: Los Angeles, and Wrath of the Titans. Oh wait. Those weren't critically acclaimed. They were just bloated, CGI-infested excuses for movies. So Liebs and Bay are a match made in heaven. If heaven was full of crappy VFX and explosions. The only redemptive quality of this project are writing duo Josh Appelbaum and André Nemec, both of which worked on the script to Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol, which wasn't terrible.

Obviously, the news that Bay is producing a TMNT film reboot has caused quite a frenzy amongst fanboys of the pizza-loving, sewer dwelling reptiles. To further rub salt in fanboy wounds, Bay has renamed the film to simply, Ninja Turtles. Why? Well, they're not really "mutant" anymore. According to Bay, these turtles will be from space. So Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles. TANT. One letter away from what this project actually is to the film world. Cowabunga. 

TMNT Movie
Remember when this was a thing?
Megan FoxTwo cast members have actually allowed themselves to be attached to this pathetic project. Since a Bay "film" needs at least seven butt-tracking shots of a scantily clad girl, Megan Fox has been signed on to lend her, um, talents. She is going to be playing April O'Neil. This casting choice is especially interesting, as Fox was reportedly fired from Transformers for likening Bay to Hitler. So that's a thing. However, Bay wrote on his blog "TMNT: we are bringing Megan Fox back into the family!", which is further proof that working with Bay is less like Hitler and more like a really crappy Corleone mafia thing.

Alan Ritchson SHIRTLESS
Actually there are no not shirtless
pics of him on the Internet.
Since this is a Michael Bay film, pretty people need to be in abundance (excluding Shia LeBeouf). Alan Ritchson has been cast as Raphael, the red bandana'd, dual-wielding sai turtle guy with the temper. Personally, the guy should play Casey Jones. Just imagine him and Fox awkwardly flirting. Ritchson will be coming to work on Ninja Turtles after Catching Fire where he plays District 1 tribute, Gloss. The former Abercrombie model Ritchson was also Aquaman in Smallville, so a step from hunky Aquaman to hunky Gloss to mo-capped turtle is kinda amusing. And yes, the turtles will be motion captured CGI. Will it end up as awesome as The Avengers Hulk? Don't make me laugh. At least it won't be actual turtle suits. Then again, the movie would be so bad it would be good.

Look, I get that making a kid's TV show turned Hollywood blockbuster that's not underwhelming to critics is difficult. Bay's track record seems to show he cares not what critics think. Still, making a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live-action film sounds like a horrible idea. How does one make four talking reptiles acting like pubescent humans look not like a train wreck? Oh, right. Leave it to the guy who made these guys to think that this is a feasible task.

$125 million later and a trail of fanboy tears, it looks like this project is actually happening. Ninja Turtles has had its fair share of production problems, and after multiple delays and scheduling changes, Bay's 'slosion porno will hit theaters in May of 2014. So. Yay?

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