The Bieber Train Has No Brakes

Yeah. He's lived a full life.

[UPDATE: Director David Guggenheim announced he's dropping out of the directing gig. Other than his halfhearted attempt at an excuse (he has to "promote his next film", Waiting for Superman), one can safely assume that he decided it would probably be the end of any ounce of respect he would ever get.]

Great news, folks! You know what the only thing better than a memoir by 16 year old teen bop sensation Justin Bieber is? A movie about him (in which he'll play himself), including footage of his ongoing tour! And in 3D!

No, but seriously. This is happening. It has no title as of yet, but is being produced by Paramount Pictures and is set to release on February 11, 2011, just in time for all the tween girls to see it on Valentine's Day weekend. David Guggenheim, the director of An Inconvenient Truth, is in talks to direct. Let the debate begin over which movie highlights the bigger atrocity.

The best thing I can say about Bieber is that at least he doesn't have any jowls or bulbous protrusions. Something about his personality is rather moist, though... I get the feeling he slurps his drinks; possibly egg yolks mixed with extra pulpy orange juice. (This paragraph goes out to Nate Slauer, who didn't think I could do it.)

If you're one of the many who swoon over the sound of Bieber's eerily prepubescent voice, I hope you enjoy the chance to get up close and personal with Bieber in all of his glory (remember, it's in 3D). Maybe you'll snap out of it once his voice decides to leave age 12.

Ocean sheep,
Ben

Sources: ABC, The A.V. Club