MTSBM: Ridin' in My Car

Oh . . . too soon.

One thing's for sure:
it will involve these sunglasses.

As far as the ultimate movie goes, many have posited several theories for what it would look like. Some envision it as the ultimate action movie (of course, after The Expendables, that’s pretty much shot), while others see it as a romantic comedy involving their favorite actors (again, depending on which actors this is, it probably already exists). The critic types imagine it as the ultimate meaningful psychological drama that finally reveals the depths of the human psyche once and for all. Some maintain that the ultimate movie either already exists or can never exist. While I do admittedly find myself among the latter camp, I have a vision for a movie that would probably be my favorite of all time. I would watch this movie multiple times in theaters, buy it when it came out on DVD (possibly also multiple times) and force my friends to watch it so many times that, despite its glory, they would inevitably groan as soon I gleefully pulled it out and forced it into the player before they could rip it from my hands. This movie goes something like this:

Haircut, what haircut?

Basically it would be a road trip slash journey coming-of-age story á la On the Road, Little Miss Sunshine, or The Wizard of Oz, only it would be a girl’s road trip with Zooey Deschanel, Emma Watson, and Ellen Page. It would be the best movie ever, even though only about nine people in the world would actually like it. Whatever, haters gonna hate. The basic plot would be simple: the three would be sisters, Zooey the responsible older one who’s being forced to drive her siblings all the way from their home in Delaware to their relatives in Arizona who are going to take care of the girls as per the parent’s dying wish, despite the fact that all of the girls really wanted to stay in Delaware (who knows why). Ellen would be the rebellious younger sibling, and it should be easy to imagine what shenanigans would occur as she pesters her older sisters and just generally whines and wears quirky clothes the whole movie. Emma, then, would be the middle child protagonist, and it would be her character development the journey would chronicle, as she learns to deal with and accept her overbearing, stick-in-the-mud older sister and obnoxious, good-for-nothing younger sister. Of course, the other two sisters would also grow along the way, Zooey learning to have a little fun with life, as well as be more accepting, and Ellen learning not to be so obnoxious all the time. It would, obviously, be the largest collection of clichés known to humanity, and hopefully the only movie you’d ever need to watch ever.

Best. Parents. Ever.

There would also be egregious cameos by famous people. Hugh Jackman would show up as (obviously) a super-hunk for the ladies to swoon over, before they (I haven’t decided which one would have the torrid affair) realized that he didn’t actually care about them, and that self-respect was the most important thing (or something equally empowering). Michael Caine would show up as the wise old man who gives one of them advice exactly when she needs it the most. Morgan Freeman would show up as, who else, God. Shia LaBeouf would show up running a red light and getting in the car crash that would be the dramatic climax of the movie, forcing the three sisters to overcome their differences and support each other, as well as face the tragedy of their parents’ deaths. Joseph Gordon-Levitt would show up as the nice guy of the movie, illustrating to the disillusioned sisters that not all men are horrible people, eventually marrying . . . Zooey, I think, at the end of the movie, or possibly in the epilogue. Nicolas Cage would appear as . . . actually, never mind. Nathan Fillion would cameo as an absurdly pompous and arrogant hotel owner with a heart of gold. Michael Cera would pop in, playing, well, Michael Cera. Zach Galifianakis would be a lovable but intellectually challenged homeless man. Natalie Portman would be their mother who would show up in several flashbacks, and George Clooney would be their father. Neil Patrick Harris would jump in as . . . well, I think you get the picture.

If you hate this person, you have no soul.

Unless you really hate Zooey Deschanel, Emma Watson, or Ellen Page, (or had a brain) you couldn’t possibly fail to think this would be the best movie since Star Wars. Sure, some may call me “perverse and obsessive” for fantasizing about these three actresses together in one movie, and let’s be honest, it is a little weird and maybe a tad psychotic, but it would still be an awesome movie, right? (Right? Somebody?) The visuals would be entertaining, but still serious, probably with panoramic views of gorgeous landscapes, the requisite map-with-the-red-line-showing-how-far-they’ve-traveled shot, occasional quirky information boxes popping up with witty one-liners Scott Pilgrim style to remind you that yes, this is a hipster movie, and maybe, just maybe, an awesome Zooey Deschanel flashback montage. The soundtrack would consist mainly of indie music no one’s ever heard of, and She & Him songs (what's that you say? No one's ever heard of indie band She & Him? Shut up). Clearly, the only thing left to do is to think of a title and ship this script idea off to MGM.

Title ideas: This is Not a Test (oops, already a movie (a pretty obviously terrible movie, but still)), Ridin’ in My Car, Lingering Still, or pretty much any other She & Him song titles.

Death and Glory,

Joseph